Pondering the complex concept of 'home'
Grappling with the paradox of feeling at home everywhere, yet nowhere at all
‘Home’ has always evoked mixed feelings within me. I grew up in the UK. England will always be one home. My family are there and, although I knew it wasn’t where my soul longed to be, it shaped me into the woman I have become.
I moved to Spain when I was 19. Then I went travelling and settled in Australia when I was 23. I bought my own house at 31. It was a gift owning somewhere to call home, but circumstances changed, and I sold it at 33.
I tried to buy another house, alone this time, but alas, that was not to be. So, I did what my wandering heart yearned so desperately for; I travelled again.
Now, travel for me is both an escape and one of the only ways I know how to be present; by fully immersing myself into the excitement of the unknown.
Perhaps freedom, is home?
Hiraeth; a longing for home…
I am so very blessed to have found a sliver of home in so many places. Yet, there’s still a part of me that feels a deep homesickness for somewhere I cannot quite grasp. Somewhere that’s familiar, yet non-existent in this time and space.
I know there are many of you who have moved cities, states and countries who will resonate with this paradox. Maybe it also makes sense to those who haven’t moved, but within their souls recall an affection for a home they cannot explain.
As a kid I would gaze at the moon and stars. I would wonder where and what they were. A portal to another galaxy? Secret planets of sparkling blue seas? Castles that sparkled brightly for all to see?
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve wondered, is nature home? Must we rekindle our connection with the natural world to fill this gaping void?
Experiencing ‘bliss’
In 2019, when I resat my Crystal Dreaming Practitioner Training, I had a session where I, according to the creator of the course, experienced ‘bliss’. It was one of the most profound experiences of my life. It sounds very strange, but hear me out! And, for the record, it’s a drug-free practice!
I was in Japan (a country I’ve not visited). I saw the scenes perfectly in my mind’s eye; the landscapes, the architecture, the flowers, the details. It felt so familiar. A doe approached me, and I touched it. Then suddenly I had the wild sensation of being blasted from this planet and into the stars. As I was being catapulted into the stars, I saw the Earth getting smaller and smaller. It was the weirdest sensation; I felt it in the pit of my stomach and my head was spinning. But suddenly I stopped absolutely still, floating. My body felt the lightest it had ever been, and I was utterly overcome with positive emotion. I cried tears of happiness and the troubles of the material world felt small and insignificant. All I could feel was unconditional love. It was pure magic and I was on a high for weeks after.
Anyway, I tell this story, because, in those moments, I felt like I truly belonged. That I was at one with all of creation.
Perhaps that was home.
Home is where the heart is. Except when it’s not.
As I type these words, the date I travel back to Australia looms ever closer. When I booked my flight, I was so excited. But now, I’m witnessing the anxiety. The reality has hit that, although Australia is probably as close to home as I’m going to feel, I don’t actually have anywhere to call home right now. I acknowledge my privilege, yet, it still feels vulnerable and terrifying not having a place to land. My emotions are on a pendulum, swinging from trust and fear, then back to trust again.
I guess, for now, I’ll focus on finding home within myself. Within my heart, my mind and my body. I’ll find home in my partner, my dog, my friends and the ancient earth I walk upon. And hopefully, the rest will follow.
Honestly, I still don’t know if this longing will ever disapparate. But, I’ll continue to count my blessings and continue to leave footprints of love, wherever I roam.
… Until I return home.
Much love, Sam x
What does ‘home’ feel like to you? I would love to know in the comments.